On My Way Back

I am once again on the road, traveling, playing shows, and trying to get something figured out as far as what I’ll be doing this winter. I have been incredibly depressed, but still somehow active in the world, which just means I do stuff but I don’t really feel anything. It comes with the territory of being me. Sometimes the mood just doesn’t fit the setting. I’ve learned to live with it slightly………This world is going nuts, and it seems to be taking me with…..

I went to out to the pipeline protest at Standing Rock a few weeks ago and it was a life changing experience for me on multiple levels. I was there for multiple reasons. Mainly, I’m sick of these greedy companies just destroying the earth when we have every reason to be turning to alternative energies. I’m sick of being misrepresented by sicko politicians who are all in bed with the executives. I can’t stand living in lies anymore, and I think that my time at Standing Rock was the closest I’ve lived to truth and peace in my entire life. It is a very spiritual and healing place for all people that attend,especially for all of the indigenous people who have their shared experiences and are now coming together in brotherhood. It is becoming also increasingly volatile, with North Dakota’s leaders sending in riot police to attack people who are praying. I am trying to return as soon as possible. I have quit all of my jobs except for playing music, and am working to winterize my travel trailer.

I returned to civilization after my time there, and have felt very wrong, off, and distant from people. I wanted to stay out there, but I had some shows to play, and right when I was telling myself that i needed to stay while opening 50 cans of tuna fish to feed everyone, an elder said ” Make sure to take care of your things at home.” I also, regardless of the community and love I felt, was also still feeling the effects of mania and panic. I have been waiting to see a psychiatrist for over two months, and made a solid decision to go back on medication for it, so i had to get back to the cities for that. I wish I didn’t have to take anything, but it has become too difficult and apparent that I do. So strange to have a mind that works against you.

I worked The Ryder Cup which was a disgusting, anti environmental event where the richest of the rich go to have their sleaze meetings and get their clients drunk. That was a stark contrast. I made money, but it felt dirty….. But I guess thats kind of the irony I live in…. Go make money destroying the earth, while saving money to try and defend it. Until that ceases we all are forced to live in disharmony with ourselves. I hope I can be of service in changing that…

Currently, I lay on a futon at my dads house… I played music at the resort this weekend to a rather vibrant crowd, one night at the pub, then another night at a golf course party. Now its Wednesday. I will hopefully get the windows out of my camper for repair today, and tonight I’m doing a radio show to promote my show on Saturday…….More on that in the coming days…….

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Trying to Write again amidst the schedule of a nutball

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IMG_1781You know what would be really nice? I’m sure you do, but I don’t right now. Amidst a sea of swimming amongst working, playing and booking shows, a quickly approaching summertime, and a sleep schedule that can’t settle, I don’t even know what would be nice. I’d settle for tolerable.

In the last week since I returned from a hiatus to Buffalo, NY and Toronto, I have been going nonstop. Work is constant, between a massage job,  a serving job, and two awesome shows I have had no time to work on anything new. I still have fun playing, but the repertoire is lacking, and I just need to be writing… So here I go in blog land once again. I failed last time to keep up with this, but I hope to keep going as I think it will be a good exercise in consistency. As I find myself on my computer in almost an addictive fashion, I figure I may as well publish some things while I’m at it.

This last week I had the privilege of meeting my hero, Comedian and author, Zach Anner in Buffalo at the Birchfield Penney Art Center. After an awesome presentation where he was interviewed about his awesome shows, of which I’ve seen almost all, and a question and answer session, I was just as impressed as I was before. As a person who has physical limitations caused by Cerebral Palsy (“The Sexiest of the Palsies”, as he states), Zach Anner defies the odds. He carries an amazing attitude, hosting travel shows, interviewing Oprah, and now has written an awesome book called “If at Birth You Don’t Succeed” which is every bit as funny as it is inspirational. What I love about his work is the way that he’ll let you in to his life, no holds barred, with no apologies. By doing so you feel like in a world where everything seems connected by half truths and candy coating, that maybe, just maybe the real way to connecting with others is to let them see the good and the bad, your successes and failures, the top of your potential, and the bottom of your shortcomings.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is, that this blog is probably going to let you in a little more because I now see it’s the only way to write. I’ve been scared for a long time, of thinking that what I say is unimportant, thinking maybe I’m going to offend people, Thinking that I’ll go too far (which I do). I’ve just never done it in writing. But to that line of thinking, I say screw it…. Let’s just say it out loud and get it over with. Maybe someday I’ll strike a chord and it’ll resonate to the end of time….

 

Embarking on the Last touches to the Recording

Today as I still sit in the jeans I fell asleep in, with a french press full of coffee made on my single hot plate, I attempt to leave, only to find that I didn’t do any of the things I was supposed to do as far as decisions about the album… I don’t know what order the songs should go in, I don’t know what I want the CD package to be, and I don’t know if I want to make an insert with all of the lyrics and I don’t know……..I told my buddy Mike who is producing the album that it is frightening to let it go out in the world. It’s kind of like a kid in a way… It’s all of your creative energy embodied in a little box… once there, kind of there for good… That’s insane. In order for it to get over with I just have to get in my van and drive and here I sit, writing away, no coffee in the mug, and still in the same clothes i was wearing yesterday. I do this all the time. I’m sure I’ll find something to distract me from going. Nah… I’m going now. I swear. This album must be done. There will be more after, but who knows when? Its taken me five years since the last one……Yikes!! I better go….

Today…..

Today I woke up with a pounding headache and little desire to go to work. I remembered that my buddy Mary Lou was in town, and that she might be able to come in early to take my appointment. I am quickly losing my desire to work doing massage. What was once invigorating in a way has turned into a drain. Again. I sometimes find myself getting into super negative thoughts while I’m working, and then I worry that my clients can feel it. So far, no one has complained. I wonder how much people can really feel as far as that… I personally get overwhelmed quickly by other people’s energies. I read once a quote ” Be responsible for the energy you bring into a place.” I wonder how much I make things up in my head in order to explain feeling off, but I also know that my intuition has kept me alive thus far, so I can’t really doubt it too much. It helps my work to be sensitive to these things, but it is also very dangerous at times when you can’t put your finger on what shifted your mood…. Sometimes I think I take other peoples stuff, and it makes it hard to keep a hold of mine, if that makes any sense…… Either way…. two months left of the resort life…. Then its off into the wild blue world of touring as a folk musician…… I’m terrible at planning….so stay tuned as the bull gets let out of the cage……..

Amanda Standalone’s Blog

My trailer

Hello,

Welcome to my blog page… as I maneuver and learn how to use this thing it will probably be a bit awkward at first, but give me a little time. I’m mostly going to use this page to document my musical excursions and travels, as I am gearing up to play midwest tour this spring, and then a more extensive excursion in the fall. I have recently bought a pull behind travel trailer and am waiting for the weather to turn warm so i can rip it apart and put it back together again……. We’ll see how things go… until then, keep in touch here……